There is a show on HGTV or one of those DIY cable networks called “Love It or List It.” My husband watches it more often than I do, just because he enjoys a good afternoon of channel surfing more than I.
Anyhoo, the premise of the show is a homeowner has a list of projects that need to be done to their home in order for them to “love it” and want to stay. If they can find a new home that meets their criteria, budget, etc. then they will “list it” and move.
Today I decided my home is the perfect project for this show. I’ve decided to write and open letter to Love It or List It and/or any other show that resembles the premise.
Dear DIY house show,
I have lived in my home for over eight years. We have four bedrooms upstairs – each with its own full bathroom. GASP! The main floor has an office and another full bathroom. The basement has a bedroom-like room, but since it doesn’t have a window it doesn’t count. However, it also has its own full bathroom. GASP! Yes, count them up.. SIX full bathrooms. Here is what I need you to do. Either consolidate the six bathrooms into two and half or make them self cleaning. You see, today I tackled the project of cleaning my three children’s bathrooms. Our builder cheaped out (we are the third owners and didn’t pick original options) and thought it a great money saver to carpet bathrooms. I think it would have been interesting if they also installed black lighting to show the varied amount of forensic evidence lurking in the carpet fibers — especially in my oldest son’s bathroom. I am scared to enter it without a Hazmat suit on. The builder also thought it would be great to install small, white tiles with white grout in five of the six bathrooms. I’m sure that was pretty for the first year. I personally used TWO magic erasers today to scrub off soap scum, mold, and what appeared to be blue hair dye from white grout just today. Guess what? Blue hair dye does not come off of grout.
I also would like a new kitchen counter top and kitchen sink. My current countertop is large tiles with… grout! I have no idea what the original color of the grout was, but now it is… hmmmm, putty brownish unless someone left ice cream out on the counter… then it’s the hue of melted chocolate or strawberry. Again, magic erasers generally scrub out whatever is living in the grout. I hope!
The house needs new carpet that is not only stain resistant (to dogs, children, and grown men), but must vacuum itself. Chronic back problems make that task way too difficult to be done often enough to keep up with dogs, children and grown men. The current carpet is currently a medium brown. I’m a bit fearful to know its original color. Hardwood needs to be dust and scratch resistant (like two dogs who hate nail trims and enjoy running like maniacs through the house scratch resistant).
We also need new windows, but just on the front of the house (we already bucked up on the rest when number one son’s window was literally about to fall into the back yard).
The last and final project is landscaping clean up. This would have to be very special landscaping. It needs to be maintenance free, self-mowing, self-weeding, self-fertilizing and must look fabulous at all times. Automatic poop scooping would be an added bonus. And, the installation of an automatic tennis ball chucker would be amazing.
This isn’t too much to ask is it? I am well aware that this is a “firstworldproblem” and will not feed the poor, end war or fully finance education. But, it might make this supermom feel pretty damn awesome. You see we have three children to send to college in the near future and the money tree in the yard died last year. If we promise our children will be productive members of society who may make world changing discoveries, cure cancer and fight crime will you consider helping us with our list of projects?
DIY show producers, think about what great TV this would make. Suburban neighborhood drama, dogs barking, kids fighting, feet sticking to the floor, and neighbors watching. It could be a ratings blockbuster.
Thank you for your consideration.